I'm choking on this shit

Today was very long. I felt like there were hands around my neck choking me. There is a voice in the back of my mind that sternly tells me to make money and be productive. "No matter how you do it, make money! Money justifies everything, no matter how immoral." My boyfriend says "if you want to stay here you must give me a minimum $350 every month. I don't care how you do it...." I've lost. The ice caps are melting, animals are going extinct left and right and I have find a way to pay the ever increasing bills. Even if it means working for the bad guys. Should I join the dark side? Should I give up and listen to mainstream music? That would brain wash me into thinking everything was just peachy.

Money isn't worth anything any more! I have a shitty online job right now that I hate. It seems like anything that involves being where the money is is shit. It's not a hard job, but it eats your soul, like many of them do, and it's only temporary, like many of them are. 15 % of the population likes there job. Is it just that work sucks? Or is society getting harsh. I'm fucking scared. I always have so much on my mind, and if I had an ordinary steady job like an ordinary person, it would eat all those thoughts. Being creative is the only thing keeping me human, and if I have to jeopardize that by getting a steady shitty job, I will surly not like to live. As mellow dramatic and adolescent as that may sound. I can't be average and normal. It's as boring as fuck. I hate talking about the weather, or what I did on the weekend. How do people small talk? It's dry. Life is mean. It costs allot to live. Hopefully when the war is over things will get better. And the next war is just around the corner. I'm fucked. I hardly think I could survive on my own. My boyfriend that's like old enough to be my dad takes care of me. I'm not stupid I'm just slow. And shy, and I like to be polite and day dream. Not good if you live in north America. Home of fast pace business and over caffeinated morons. I hate rushing too. You only get one life, which could end any time. There isn't a heaven and there isn't a God. That was made up a few thousand years ago to control the masses. I don't want to spend my hole life rushing around and being stressed out, while making small talk to simple folk. Fuck. I'm out.