Relief From Anger

I'm a woman that doesn't cry enough. Women have hormones that change their mood quite dramatically from time to time. I hold my emotions in when I'm around people. I can only cry when I'm completely alone. I find it hard to express myself. I'm hardly ever alone, so I cram my feelings down and try to forget about them.

Emotions are a chemical response to something in our enviroment that don't leave the body until they are physically exerted through crying, exercise, yelling, sweating etc. Woman cry when they're happy, when they're mad, and sad. I just can't do it around people! The worst is when I hear a sad song or watch a depressing movie and I want to bawl so bad but there are people in the room and it would be too embarrassing. I guess I'm an ice queen. My mom was that way. She never hugged or showed much affection. That's where I get it from.

Last week me and my boyfriend went to stay at his elderly uncles to keep him company. My boyfriends assholish friend came down from where ever the hell he's from. This guy has gotten on my nerves from day one. He is very opinionated in a fascist racist sexist type of way. He always has to prove a point. He said, and I quote, "I don't like brown people. Foreigners should stay in their own country." This guy has gone to university for over 20 years and has had military training. Ha can't get a job as a teacher so he's looking into working at a call center. What an idiot. Can you see why I loathe him so. He is the type of guy that never shuts up and you can't get a word in. Did I mention he interrupts too. If it isn't annoying enough that he never shuts up, when you finally get a word in he'll talk over you anyway. I don't know why my boyfriend likes him. Someone to just hang out with I guess.

The other day he dropped my boyfriend off from their adventures in town that day. He parked the car and let the engine run for half an hour ( I timed it) while he talked my boyfriends head off. When my guy finally got out, and the ass drove off, I asked what the hell he did that for. He said it was because he hated environmentalists. He was probably talking about politics and how women don't belong running for leaders, like he always does. I was so pissed off. He's usually polite to me, which I don't understand, if he hates women so much. However I felt like it was a personal shot at me, because he could probably see me through the apartment window, and I was the only person in the area that gives a damn about nature. Leaving your engine run to get back at environmentalists is really stupid. Since it's not only environmentalists that breathe the air. Also, gas prices cost a fortune. So wasting your own gas to get back at someone that will never see what your doing is stupid. The only person that could see it was me. It pissed me off.

I bring this up because I wonder if I should have confronted him. Is that what people do when they see someone being rude? As usual I bit my tongue and held my anger at bay.

I had to make a doctor appointment the other day. The receptionist was a cranky bitch that snapped at me for trying to make a normal appointment. She was extremely rude and impatient throughout the whole conversation. Again, I bit my tongue. I was growing extremely frustrated. I never sleep well at my boyfriend's uncle's place, so It just made it worse.

I notice when things like this happen and I hold them in, I fight with my boyfriend more from the stress. I guess taking it out on a loved one makes it feel safer. We are very close and he is very understanding. He does'nt deserve my mood swings. Holding emotions in can lead to anxiety and depression problems. It can also be bad for your body.

I'm making a conscious decision to speak my mind next time I see that polluting bastard. I bet it will fell very therapeutic to take it out on someone who deserves it!

Oprah's Big Give And Take

As much as I hate TV, sometimes I have to watch it to shut off my brain so it doesn't overload. I saw a show on the other night called "the Big Give" by Oprah Winfrey. The scenario of the show is, ten people who are given money and are challenged to find the most dramatic ways to spend it on a charity case. One person gets eliminated every week. The winner gets their biggest wish granted.

The show reminded me of the Apprentice. There were scenes with helicopters flying over a sky scraper with a sign that reads in mammoth letters " the Big Give". If the contestants can't complete their tasks or can't do it in a dramatic enough way they get booted out. Here's what makes me ill. As if "reality" shows (which are the furthest thing from reality) aren't pukey enough, you have a show that is mainly about the misfortunes and poverty of others. It's sick. Oprah is the wealthiest woman in the world. She could save all the people on the shows from poverty or whatever bad situation they're in. She has the money. But the shows main purpose is to make millions of dollars, like any other TV show, by endorsing and promoting products and people like Oprah. They are usually so loaded full of commercials that you forget what your watching anyway. The editing is fast to catch your attention. Usually there's only one second per scene, or less. This is because of the advent of the remote and recorders and such. It's our entertainment at the cost of the misfortune of others. Sad...

In the show I was watching, the least deserving person won the money. It was a woman who's husband was murdered. She lived in a supportive suburban community in a huge house with a double garage. I don't think she really needed the money as badly as one of the other contestants, who was homeless with kids. The homeless woman did win a car and scholarship for her kids, but it doesn't help her current situation. It's kind of hard to pay for car insurance when you don't have a job yet.

Anyway, instead of making loads of easy profit from poor people, they should just help them out because they can. These reality shows make a mint, because they don't have to hire actors. They call it a competition. Really it's people just trying to get out of there Wal-mart jobs and into something more full filling. What ever happened to people helping others because they WANT to, without any TV spot or financial reward?