I'm choking on this shit

Today was very long. I felt like there were hands around my neck choking me. There is a voice in the back of my mind that sternly tells me to make money and be productive. "No matter how you do it, make money! Money justifies everything, no matter how immoral." My boyfriend says "if you want to stay here you must give me a minimum $350 every month. I don't care how you do it...." I've lost. The ice caps are melting, animals are going extinct left and right and I have find a way to pay the ever increasing bills. Even if it means working for the bad guys. Should I join the dark side? Should I give up and listen to mainstream music? That would brain wash me into thinking everything was just peachy.

Money isn't worth anything any more! I have a shitty online job right now that I hate. It seems like anything that involves being where the money is is shit. It's not a hard job, but it eats your soul, like many of them do, and it's only temporary, like many of them are. 15 % of the population likes there job. Is it just that work sucks? Or is society getting harsh. I'm fucking scared. I always have so much on my mind, and if I had an ordinary steady job like an ordinary person, it would eat all those thoughts. Being creative is the only thing keeping me human, and if I have to jeopardize that by getting a steady shitty job, I will surly not like to live. As mellow dramatic and adolescent as that may sound. I can't be average and normal. It's as boring as fuck. I hate talking about the weather, or what I did on the weekend. How do people small talk? It's dry. Life is mean. It costs allot to live. Hopefully when the war is over things will get better. And the next war is just around the corner. I'm fucked. I hardly think I could survive on my own. My boyfriend that's like old enough to be my dad takes care of me. I'm not stupid I'm just slow. And shy, and I like to be polite and day dream. Not good if you live in north America. Home of fast pace business and over caffeinated morons. I hate rushing too. You only get one life, which could end any time. There isn't a heaven and there isn't a God. That was made up a few thousand years ago to control the masses. I don't want to spend my hole life rushing around and being stressed out, while making small talk to simple folk. Fuck. I'm out.

Are we so different?

Yesterday, while in the shower listening to my Radiomate, Queen Latifah's Georgia Rose was playing on the CBC. The chorus went "don't be blue cause you're Black Georgia Rose". It brought me back to my younger days when I was in high school and got teased all the time for being so pale. Everyone said I should get a tan. But I didn't care and I still had boyfriends. So it must not have really mattered that much. As I was stepping out of the tub I began to wonder why we refer to ourselves as "higher beings". We still can't seem to set aside the little tiny insignificant differences we have, like color, race and religion. There are millions of colors to the human eye and we're all different colors. I'm not white, I'm a light pink with freckles. You're not black, you're a brownish color. And it's not like our whole body is that one color. So why do we label ourselves and make it like if you have a slight difference you're a whole other species.

Another thing that I find ridiculous is that the wealthy still need an abundant supply of the poor. And they're still declaring war on whoever has what they want. There are some people that are unfathomly rich while others are unfathomly poor. People shouldn't have that kind of power. Ever since civilizations first began there has been war, slavery, poverty, greed etc. Those characterisics in the human race haven't left us at all. Even in the most "developed" countries. The United States of America is one of these places that will refer to itself as developed... But if you ask me it's still a nation in progress as long as there is war and capitalism. It reminds me of monkey's fighting over territory and food. Human beings still have all the traits of Animals. We mate, eat, crap, kill, steal, ...

If we can set aside our differences, which should be simple (it really should), and work together we could make our planet a utopia for all living things. But for now the earth is a utopia for the wealthy. It's up to the people to change the way we live. But we need leaders to make law and the law seems to favor the wealthy. (ie. if you commit a crime and can afford a damn good lawyer and money for bail you could get away with murder... OJ Simpson). We, the people need to come together and take back our lives and stop focusing on this little differences. We're growing more depressed and anxious with every passing year because of all the hatred and discrimination and lack of money to pay bills. We want better jobs, a less narcissistic society, better education, health care, safety. It's not going to happen by itself. It certainly isn't going to come from any politicion, you should know that by now. If we worked together instead of against each other we would live in better comunities with less crime, but until then our education is getting worse, people are getting gullable and listen to whatever their told, everyone is in debt and people in power will keep telling you to hate those who are different just in case they need to declare war to get what they want and you'll have to join the army because you're poor and too stupid to get an education or you need to pay off your loans. The army pays well. They say that war is good for the economy. It never really worked out for Germany though, even though they gave us a good run for the money. Oh, well, perhaps the U.S. will have better luck in the middle east...