I'm choking on this shit

Today was very long. I felt like there were hands around my neck choking me. There is a voice in the back of my mind that sternly tells me to make money and be productive. "No matter how you do it, make money! Money justifies everything, no matter how immoral." My boyfriend says "if you want to stay here you must give me a minimum $350 every month. I don't care how you do it...." I've lost. The ice caps are melting, animals are going extinct left and right and I have find a way to pay the ever increasing bills. Even if it means working for the bad guys. Should I join the dark side? Should I give up and listen to mainstream music? That would brain wash me into thinking everything was just peachy.

Money isn't worth anything any more! I have a shitty online job right now that I hate. It seems like anything that involves being where the money is is shit. It's not a hard job, but it eats your soul, like many of them do, and it's only temporary, like many of them are. 15 % of the population likes there job. Is it just that work sucks? Or is society getting harsh. I'm fucking scared. I always have so much on my mind, and if I had an ordinary steady job like an ordinary person, it would eat all those thoughts. Being creative is the only thing keeping me human, and if I have to jeopardize that by getting a steady shitty job, I will surly not like to live. As mellow dramatic and adolescent as that may sound. I can't be average and normal. It's as boring as fuck. I hate talking about the weather, or what I did on the weekend. How do people small talk? It's dry. Life is mean. It costs allot to live. Hopefully when the war is over things will get better. And the next war is just around the corner. I'm fucked. I hardly think I could survive on my own. My boyfriend that's like old enough to be my dad takes care of me. I'm not stupid I'm just slow. And shy, and I like to be polite and day dream. Not good if you live in north America. Home of fast pace business and over caffeinated morons. I hate rushing too. You only get one life, which could end any time. There isn't a heaven and there isn't a God. That was made up a few thousand years ago to control the masses. I don't want to spend my hole life rushing around and being stressed out, while making small talk to simple folk. Fuck. I'm out.

No pipe cleaners please!

I was looking at other people's blogs and I came across a little Christian blog. Oh goody! I knew I wouldn't be surprised by the irrationality of this person. The woman was going on about how there should be other ways to teach kids about God without using crafts . Glitter glue and pipe cleaners are a poor way to teach kids. In the Christian womans blog there was a picture of a mother holding up a sign saying "No pipe cleaners please!" The goodly Christian quoted on the picture saying, " Good. At least somebody gets it."
What better way to teach about the Lord, then to abolish any little source of fun in Sunday school. Nothing says God is boring and he doesn't want you to have any fun, better then this. I'm sure more and more society will avert from being secular because of these bold protesters!

I remember as a kid sunday school was a real drag. You had to get up early and go to a second weirder school, Even though it was the weekend. It was always cold for some reason. You had to repeat things you didn't understand from the Bible. It was very boring. The only fun thing was gluing Jesus to stuff and making origami angels. Good harmless fun. My mom asked me when I was 7 if I wanted to go to sunday school and church anymore. I remember very clearly saying, the only thing I really liked about it was exchanging presents on Christmas and making crafts. My mom smiled and told the lady on the phone that I wouln't be going to church anymore. I've been a happy athiest ever since. :-)

The Joy Of Abnormality

A friend I haven't seen for ages e-mailed me the other day. Actually it was Face book that made her curious as to what I was up to these days. We were best friends all throughout elementary school. When we got to high school we went our separate ways because of life and growing up. But we're talking again. It's weird but we still have a lot in common. She's trying to get a career though. Which is the farthest thing from what I'm trying to achieve in my life. Her mom was always pushing her hard to get good grades and such. It must have paid off because She has an advanced English major with a double minor in History and Cultural Studies. I have a high school diploma. Which would have been great 50 years ago! I've been craving having a normal life style lately. I live the life of a typical eccentric. I get up past noon. Do many different things to pay bills. None of them are average. I pee outside. I talk to my boyfriend about work when he's on the toilet. I love middle eastern music. (I love all music as long as it's good.) When I'm stressed out I have violent nightmares about zombies and people trying to kill me. Then I kill the people in the most grotesque ways. I often wondered about sanity because of my dreams. Some of them are recurring. I never told my therapist. I think She's more of a flake then I am. I think all of them are. They make money off of people's pain.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes, a normal life. I've tried to be normal once. My emotions ate me alive. I've never been more depressed in my life then when I've tried to behave like the average person. But I just have these dreams about having a normal social life, working my way up in the economy, succeeding, and driving! If I settled down and worked on these things I wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't have time to read and discover the world. I wouldn't have time for creativity. It's too bad people do these things when they retire. You have to live life in the moment before it passes by. ESPECIALLY if you're an atheist. Because then you know there isn't anything waiting for you when you've come to your last days.
I just can't help but think what life would be like if I had been more disciplined growing up....